PARODY: Toilet paper shortage leading to desperate robberies, police say

The Covid-19 pandemic has caused the world to change in many ways in a short time. The public panic that it has induced has caused many stores to sell out of essential items, such as toilet paper.

Due to this, “strange” robberies have increased due to the Covid-19 pandemic in Boone County. According to a statement released by the Boone County Police Department, dispatchers have received an average of 48 calls a day for the past six weeks regarding robberies of towels, bed sheets, and even plants.

“This is like nothing I have ever seen before,” said Boone County Police Chief Adam Montgomery. “Not only have people been stealing plants and bed sheets, but they have been stealing stones to use as toilet paper. I guess we really have hit rock bottom.”

Ronald Howard, 78 of Boone County, said that he woke up on May 2 to find a man, in his yard, stealing leaves off of his banana tree.

“I asked him what he was doing,” Howard said, “and he told me that he was out of toilet paper, so he was using what he could find. I guess my beloved banana tree was all he could find.”

There has been a sharp increase in a variety of robberies reported since the Covid-19 pandemic began. On May 10, Flowerama in Florence, Ky. filed a police report regarding robberies of several of their plants.

“Many of our plants have gone missing lately, for what I assume to be used as toilet paper,” said Flowerama owner Sue Marus, “Someone even stole a Dwarf Blue Spruce, which really would not be the best thing to use on your bottom.”

Plants aren’t the only items that have been stolen from people.  Rosemary Hatfield is a Boone County resident and a mother of four who claims she woke up in the middle of the night on May 7 to find her neighbor stealing her sheets.

“I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw my neighbor snatching my bed sheets out from under me,” said Hatfield, “so I asked him why he took them, to which he responded by saying he needed toilet paper because all of the stores were out.”

The Boone County police urge people to lock their doors at all times and to stock up on toilet paper if possible.