PARODY: Student from Boone found underground

PARODY: Student from Boone found underground

Robert Butler

A former Boone County High School student was rescued this past month after being trapped underground for over 40 years.

Dennis Cox, 62, was found after construction inside the auditorium revealed the abandoned office space he was trapped in.

Upon being found, he was led to the surface with the help of the construction crew and the police.

In 1981, school construction cut Cox off from the outside world and locked him underground after a senior prank went wrong.

Cox has been described by his former teachers as a “troublemaker” in “constant need of discipline.”

“Dennis would always pick fights with my honors students,” said retired Latin teacher Gloria Glydenbollocks. “He would not hesitate to fight the girls either.”

Authorities say his confrontational behavior constantly landed him in detention, and his poor work ethic led him to ultimately failing his senior year, and that may have finally pushed him over the edge.

A week away from summer break, Cox said he began living inside an abandoned office space in the school’s basement.

By sneaking past teachers and janitors, he was able to avoid detection for the entire week and beyond.

He lived in the school for over a year, living off of school lunches and supplies he bought from a local supermarket.

However, when the hallway leading to his makeshift home collapsed, there was no way of escaping.

Because no one knew of his whereabouts, he was forced to survive on his own in pitch darkness with few resources.

Miraculously, he found a way to stave off starvation and live to tell the tale four decades later.

A witness at the scene said Cox was morbidly pale, and looked like a turtle that had learned how to walk on its hind legs.

He was also said to be speaking gibberish and wielding a pool noodle and plastic fork.

Cox began running around on all fours before the police could capture him and get him to cooperate. He gradually recovered the ability to speak.

“How long was I down there?” asked Cox. “Dear God, how long has it been man?”

He then rambled on about his experience living underneath the school.

“I had some bread and cheese for the first couple of days, but then I was forced to eat mice and roaches for god knows how long. I bet there is still an infestation problem in the school,” he said with a laugh.

However, once he was told what year it was, his demeanor reportedly quickly changed.

“2022? You’re telling me I was in there for 40 years? Y’all gave up on me, man. Naw, that’s messed up,” Cox said.

After Cox ripped away a gun from the county sheriff, he jumped into the back of an onlooker’s car and was seen holding them at gunpoint.

“Oh yeah the guy is a nut job,” said county sheriff John Randle. “I thought he was chill, but then he grabbed my gun.”

“I honestly couldn’t tell ya how he broke out of his cuffs, or stole my gun. I’m gonna get fired,” Randle said before bursting into tears.

The car then sped off and was found nearly an hour later in Cincinnati.

The driver was rescued successfully, but Cox’s whereabouts remain unknown.

Because of the distress the situation caused, the principal has banned senior pranks for the foreseeable future to prevent another incident like Cox’s.