PARODY: Schools remain open despite major flooding

Boone County Schools remain open in the face of recent biblical downpours that have left Boone County High School and most of Florence submerged underwater

The district has decided that, following the pandemic and estimating the millions of dollars of damage this will cause, they simply cannot afford to close school for a long period of time again so soon.

Although the upper classrooms are mostly dry, the lower hallways could be better described as water ways according to students.

This has left most students swimming between at least one class.

However, most students do not seem to object to the predicament.

“The freezing waters really get the blood pumping,” said sophomore Russ Teenale. “The constant danger of electrified water also has elevated excitemint to new heights.”

Unfortunately, the submerged classrooms present a handful of other issues.

Students have been complaining about homework disintegrating before it even reaches home, pencils disappearing as soon as they plunge beneath the surface, and wet socks.

Meanwhile, teachers have been complaining about fish and other aquatic life invading the classroom and causing a hindrance to education.

“The amount of times we’ve had to interrupt the lesson and climb on top of our desks to avoid a bull shark or a swarm of piranhas is ridiculous,” algebra teacher Anita Bath said. “I really wish that the bass fishing club got off the ground to combat these carnivorous critters.”

On the other hand, some students seem to enjoy the new company.

“We simply have to share our space with these sacred creatures for the time being,” said junior Sandy Beech, the junior president of the junior conservation club. “They do not complain when we step into their lakes and oceans so we really have no room to complain when they swim into our homes and classrooms.”

Many students and staff were concerned over whether the mobile units would survive the increase in water level, but, as it turns out, the mobile units float extremely well.

“I was shocked, almost appalled, by how reliably buoyant the mobiles were,” said physics teacher Levy Tate.

With a simple tether to keep the units in place, the mobiles now serve as passable class boats that keep students dry and out of the nuisance filled waters.

Many parents, teachers, and students have questioned the district’s decision to remain open during weather conditions that would merit a state of emergency.

In response to this, Will Power, assistant superintendent of learning environment safety, released the following statement.

“The conditions are survivable.”

Ending on a positive note, the flooding has transformed the gym into a pool that can seat about 3,000 spectators or 2,500 more than University of Kentucky’s Lancaster Aquatic Center.

“If there is anything to take away from this washout, the swim team finally has a way to practice at home,” said swim coach Helen Hywater.